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Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up. 
The strangest of all birth defects is an inability to see things my way...
NO!! I will not join your gym club until you put in vending machines for BEER!!!
Hey, I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells.
"You just elbowd my boob", "You just boobed my elbow.."
"That song is old." "OH! I'm Sorry B!tch, I didn't know there was an expiration date on music."
Jealous because my couch gets more a$$ than I do.
I do not like this Sam I Am. I do not like this Facebook scam. I do not like the new news feed. I do not like it, no indeed. I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's weird, so let me make myse
A complicated relationship is when the Queen of mixed signals hooks up with the King of idiots.
would it not be awesome if that crashing nasa satellite finds that piece of human garbage casey anthony and squishes her on the toilet
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts
Never blow your nose while sitting on the pot, ignorance is bliss.
went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands
Gotta love Ben & Jerry's and their unique ice cream flavors. But their latest flavor, "Schweddy Balls", is leaving a bad taste in some conservative moms' mouths.
Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!
Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.
Beer commercials never show anyone drunk. Not after a divorce, being fired or losing a child in a tragic loose trophy shelf accident.
*Food hits ground* Germ: “GET IT!!!” King germ: “No, you have to wait at least 5 seconds!”
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect
My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.
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