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Why to guys who wear skinny jeans still hit on girls? They're already in their pants. 
How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?
Women are like condoms; if they're not on your d!ck, they're in your wallet.
Realizing that you aren't that smart after all is a sign of maturity.
You can never think of any changes or improvements to your essay until AFTER you print it out.
- There was a woman outside WalMart with a box of kittens. She asked me if I wanted one. I of course told her that I had kitten for breakfast. She called me a big jerk. I told her they taste a lot like puppies. Thats when she really got mad....
That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell phone company..
BRB Means I'm not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation..
This just in. The following have been arrested for selling counterfeit pizza. Papa John-Hungry Howie-Little Caesar-Cici-Domino-and Chuck E. Cheese. Tear gas was used to bring them out of their hiding place...Pizza Hut.
I didn't trip... Nature was testing my balance!!
sometimes doing the right thing aint doing the right thing...
The Rockin' Praise band at your hypocritical Creep Me Out Church doesn't exactly make your ancient 13th century worldview progressive.
Sesame Street YouTube channel hacked, videos replaced with porn. I don't want to tell you what the letter ˝C˝ stand for.
I saw two kids today texting each other on their cell phones while standing maybe two feet away from each other. Dear Future: I'm sorry.
At a cemetary, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself.
She won't let me warm my icicle feet on her toasty inner thighs due to the availability of a technology called "socks." WHATEVER.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I(heart) Duck"...it tastes like chicken. I said "No it doesn't". Then I realized I was talking to a bumper sticker.
You can always tell when a blonde has used a vibrator... Her front teeth are broken!
So if someone invites you to their wedding, it's apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can't make it but I'll come to your next one".
that BeachBody has signed a deal with Linda Blair for a new workout video just in time for Halloween called "P90Xorcism" 