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Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I'm going as "Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 19th." 
Subscribe to me here on facebook for as low as $1.99 a month! First 100 subscribers get a free 'like' on one of their posts from me.
Judging from the numerous semi-naked profile pics I come across on facebook, I would say the porn industry will never have to worry about shortage of labour.
You take the L out of Lover and its over
Only had about 4 hours of sleep last night, that should be good right? It is not like I am going to fall asleep on my keyboar
if you dont see a future in yourself, then there is no future in us...
Sometimes it's easier to act like you don"t care, than to admit that it's killing you.
#LADIES!, Wanna know if your man cheating ? Snatch his phone run in the bathroom if he try to kick the door down "You aren't the only one"
Listening to a Spanish female duet in a Greek restaurant. It's confusing to me and all these Koreans.
I have found that the best earmuffs are the inside of a women's thighs.
The word "epic" has lost the right to exist.
Destroying all of this evidence would go a lot faster if I could shoot lasers from my eyes!
My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...
not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.
I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Didn't Get Humped Today...Calling Bullsh!t, On Hump Day.
I broke up with my Gym, we were not working out
When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFi, that way people visit more often
:V (Guy who talks out of one side of his mouth).
:E (Guy who doesn't know how to twirl spaghetti). 