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If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would get eaten about halfway thru updating my facebook status about it. 
The Philadelphia man that bought a $4.00 painting but inside is a $2.5 million dollar worth Declaration of Independence document. Ok the song Philadelphia Freedom comes to mind
When life gives you lemon, just add vodka and stop whining.
Love is not always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes it is thunder and lightning.
I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
It wasn't funny. :( I pooped my pants. Okay, so I exaggerated. But I was startled.
Her: Leg or breast? Me: You know I'm an Breast man. Her: Sir, this is KFC.
1) Go to Google 2) Type : mov0001.swf 3) Click on the first link
wrong mac miller that died ya big dummy you got a computer research it
I don't always drink milk but when I do I prefer Dos Chi Chis
come to think of it...Rosa Parks never called shotgun
I swear Blackberry must be a FEMALE. Only a woman can ignore you for three days flat and then pretend nothing was wrong!
Famous people are droppin like flies..I mean..We had...Michael Jackson..Amy Whinehouse..Steve Jobs.. Whose next.. Lindsay Lohan?!
You ever notice sometimes all day on Wednesday you keep thinking its Thursday? Then when Thursday comes, you're al right again.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please take them off.
I love how the ninja turtles wear masks. Way to hide your identity, its not like your a giant turtle or anything.
Girls put lots of makeup on....cream..lip gloss...get hair and nails done. Guy's look at them and say,Wow, nice @SS
A Happy Meal without a toy should be called a Sad Meal.
China: 1.2 billion people. 50 last names. 