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On his girlfriend's birthday, a guy took her to the car sale. Pointing at a tomato red BMW, he says, "Happy birthday honey! You see that red car? I bought you nail polish in the same colour”. 
Why do men chose to mess with a lot of mediocre women when they can have ONE great one? I guess Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) excite them.
[Dear Teen/Young Adult/Rapper Who Sags Their Pants]: Do you even know the origin of that fashion statement?
So Mr. Camping, I guess the end of the world does not occur during Eastern Standard time. What time zone is it supposed to occur in?
They got chicken-flavored doggy treats..ok...how does a dog know what a chicken is? He might like it if you give it to him, but he's not gonna say "Oh good I was hoping we was gonna have chicken again"
You're so creative taking pictures of your face in 11 different angles with your phone. How do you do it??
Who cares about threats over the internet. You can't be a bada*s with a keyboard. Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics, even if you win you're still retarded.
FUNNY T-SHIRT IDEA: "I survived another Harold Camping rapture prediction".
When you have a " ■ " in the beginning of your status.... You're automatically an idiot..
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges
My wife came home with a v!brator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" But guess who had to put the batteries in?
"I would of still be in High School if Google didn't exitst"
I like, likeing the quotes everybody hates:)
■When you take an amazing picture you automatically think: “That will be my new profile picture”.
■The day Facebook adds a “Who cares?” button would be the best day ever.
■Nothing is forever. Especially people. Don't have your hopes high, Friends become strangers, Lovers become friends, & People leave.
Announcing that you need to pee just because it feels necessary.
Lets run away together ... LOL, jk I have asthma!
It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar
you know your day is bad when your coffee makes you tired 