Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP

   Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying

   Dear Google Maps, Please extend your street view to the rural parts of the country. I'm trying to find out which field I left my virginity in. Sincerely, anonymous

   Dear icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Enjoy the Karma... Sincerely, the Titanic

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

   refuseing to joke about Steve Jobs. One, because you're expecting it. Two, because I'm a good friend of his brother Blow. RIP Steve Jobs.

   Only Steve Jobs Could Bite An APPLE & Keep It Fresh For 3 Decades. R.I.P Steve Jobs

   selling all of his now soon to be worthless Apple Stock

   My biggest fear is that my legs will go to sleep while I'm going poop then stand up, collapse and get knocked out. Then I'd be found on the floor naked and sh!tty...

   If Godzilla had a son his name would be Jesuszilla?

   Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. RIP Steve Jobs.

   Thanks Steve Jobs for giving the world an option to do more than stare out the "Window".

   I want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, 'cause tonight I want to F.

   She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't romantic. She just came in and said it: 'Listen, uh -- I'm pregnant.'

   I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

   I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

   Men age like fine wine, Women age like milk.

   I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.

   The doctor told me I was borderline diabetic. So I told the doctor, 'What are you getting racial for? Why do you got to say 'borderline,''cause I'm Mexican? Can't you say 'almost'?'