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Would I bring a knife to a gunfight? Sure. Maybe some potato chips, too. I mean, they were kind enough to invite me to their fight. 
If I ever get as excited about the McRib as the people in the commercials do....SLAP ME!
Ok, Time to play word scrabble. "PNEIS"! Did you get spine? Like hell you did, you pervert
Beer $10. Weed $20. Condoms. $2.75. Finding out she swallows & has no gag reflex....Priceless!!!! F*** MasterCard, it pays to Discover
It's annoying when girls take pictures in glasses and they're like "I'm a nerd". Like shut up you're not a nerd you're just a slut with glasses on.
Awesome idea: On Halloween, order a pizza to get delivered to your house When the delivery guy gets there, pretend you think he's a trick or treater and comment on how he looks like a real delivery person. Give him candy.
"Bromance" should be a relationship status on facebook.
I dont hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank.
Dear Girls: No need to wear a costumy for Halloween. Just remove the make up and go to the party!
The only candy I'm interested in tonight swings from a pole and has daddy issues
if it were black girls the show would be called 12 and pregnant.
I had my mom get me some condoms once. I told her I used them to keep my cigarettes dry at the beach. She went to the pharmacist and asked for some. Wise guy asked, "What size?" She said, You know, for a camel!"
Q: why do military men wear uniforms at their weddings??.... A: to be prepared for "The Battle" afterwords...
I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just laid there lifeless so I decided to boink her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted 'BOO!' I swear some people are just sick in the head!
wants to point out that it's not my fault that I never could learn to accept responsibility.
confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
I've reached that time of day on a Friday afternoon when I know I'm not going to get anything worthwhile done so the only solution is to not even bother
So many people wanting to cuddle because its cold now. Does nobody else cuddle year around?
I swear these automatic toilets are about as premature as a teenage boy, one little move and they are done.
I am going to mess with my facebook friends. I am going to use the "check in" feature at the strip club, and then shortly thereafter at the free clinic. 