Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   One day, your life will flash b4 your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.

   been running up to strangers, tapping them shouting "YOUR IT!" and running away.

   If you having spell problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a witch aint one!!! >:(

   Blah Blah Blah can you Blah Blah Blah . Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah . I need you to Blah Blah Blah . I think my wife is talking to me

   "I don't want anyone to know I'm the one who said this" - Anonymous

   Definition of bravery: Trying to fart when you have diarrhea.

   Don't make decisions when your angry or horny =P

   The only thing I can truly count on in life is a calculator.

   Sometimes a married man needs to cheat just to break the monogamy.

   Good to have a blind friend,,if you fart just plug your nose and point and nod.

   If you don't have anything nice to say... Put it on twitter

   Today I heard the band Queen is holding auditions for a lead singer via youtube. I was gonna audition but I look ridiculous in a leotard.

   I heard that girls like it when I play hard to get, So I've locked myself in my apartment & turned off my phone. Now, I wait.

   Hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 1 box of Cheerios will be enough for 6 people?

   I'm thinking of getting tattoos on my shoulders that say "Place legs here".

   Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.

   The new craze: Corduroy pillows! They're making head lines.

   Remember those people that made lame jokes like "I miss my wife so I backed up and tried again"? I miss them.

   People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.

   Maybe fake people will pretend to be real on Halloween.