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Someone ask me what I was gonna be for Halloween, I said sober. No one will no its me.. 
Love is when you look into someone's heart and find everything you need.
today is an agorophobic pedophiles wet dream
Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.
If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.
you can't bring a water bottle on a plane because it could be a bomb... but thats ok, just go put it in that garbage can overthere
maybe I need to re-think this ghost costume I'm wearing... I do live in the ghetto afterall
i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward
just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset
i heard a noise last night, so I got up and peered through the gap in the curtains and yep, sure enough, there she was just stepping into the bath.
punched the devil in the face today :D or a kid in a costume, either way that motherfucker learnt not to come to my house asking for lollies :)
My most meaningful conversations these days are with Siri
Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me
Farts are so funny...because you dont ever know what they're going to sound like.
Ladies: Being attractive isn't a free pass to act like a witch.
I say tomato, you say tomato. hahahahaha I know your laughing right now cuz you totally just read this with two pronunciations... lol
thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I'm going to bed
That yellow shirt looks good on you... It really brings out the color in your teeth.
If you are single maybe it's not everyone else, maybe it's you!
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