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It must've been tough being a magician in the 15th century. "Is this your card?" "Burn him! Burn the witch!!". 
Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.
You usually don't care what other people are saying until they start whispering.
#iwasntthatDrunk "Dude, you made your girlfriend a sandwich!"
Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status...After 5 it should default to 'Unstable'
In Toy Story 3, if Andy was 17, that means that the toys stood there in silence while andy furiously masturbated.
I would like to shove your keyboard so far up your A$$ , your stomach can PM your colon about up coming events .
Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons
Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you
When People Say, "When I Was Little I..." And I'm Just Sitting There Awkwardly Like, "I Still Do That"....
The Feeling You Get When You're Paying For Something And Can't Find Your Money...
When Someone Asks For Candy That I'm Eating, I Give Them The Flavor I Don't Like
In bed it's 6am, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 7:45. At school it's 11:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 11:30
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.
some song lyrics are just so wrong.. "I drove all night to get to you, is that alright? I drove all night, crept in your room Woke you from your sleep, to make love to you Is that alright?"...No Roy, it was not alright at all!!!
When I see your face, there's nothing that I would change. LOL JK, I'd change the direction I'm walking in.
My mom said to me "Guess whose washing the dishes tonight?!"...I Soulja boyd her & said "YOUUUUUUUUUU!"
"Is there gonna be food?" "Yup!" "Ok I'm on my way"
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