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just watched 5 minutes of the maury show because I was too lazy to get outa bed and get the remote, feel like I lost 10-20 IQ points, from now on, gonna keep an emergency brick on the nightstand to throw at the tely in case this happens again 
I know how Rick Perry feels now, just the other day I forgot the 3rd movie in the Harry Potter series.
Sex is like a restaurent: Sometimes you get great service, Sometimes you get poor service, and sometimes you get self service.
By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.
Don't worry NBA players, Kim Kardashian will let you slam balls in her hole!
Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom
I just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.
No NBA this year?! Great! I don't like watching overpaid athletes in baggy shorts run up and down a basketball court anyway. I'd rather watch overpaid athletes in tight pants run up and down a football field or around a diamond.
farted in a closed lift: it was wrong on so many levels!
Pride is often used to cover weakness. A thin veil of douchebaggery fools no one.
I don't deliver to Trailer Parks. If your house is on wheels, you must have done something wrong. - SANTA CLAUS
Life can never give security, it can only promise opportunity. So seize that sh*t like a drug raid at Charlie Sheen's house.
Some people seem to have an issue with the responsibility of being trusted.
Why do morons think they can disguise their stupidity by acting like smart asses?
thinking I should write a book about living with A.D.D., because I love home renovation. #squirrelÂ
Man was sent to Earth to suffer, Woman was sent to Earth to make sure it happens.
If I had known I would run into this many a-holes in my life, I would have capitalized on it and specialized in proctology!
MEAN PRANK: Replace Cocoa Puffs cereal with dry dog food.
calories (noun) tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew you clothes a little bit tighter every night!
Bad relationships are like speed bumps. They force you to slow down and think about where you're headed. 