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I let my family know I'm going to Vegas soon, they reply "can we come" I say "do you bring a hooker to Disneyland?" then why would I bring family to Vegas..! 
Why are these Occupy Wall Street hippies constantly interrupting perfectly peaceful gatherings of angry police officers?
sticky cinnamon bun, great snack or awsome stripper name?
B!tches or not, 99 problems is still a sh!tload of problems.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.
I really don't want a birthday card. Just give me the $4 you would've spent on it. If it makes you feel better sign your name on each dollar.
I wonder if my drug dealer is going to have any Black Friday deals.
n't Breaking Dawn already a movie starring Ron Jeremy?
I've found "the more the merrier" to be a dangerously inaccurate cliché.
Yelling "I DIDN'T INVITE YOU IN" doesn't work on spiders but it will freak out twilight fans.
"Love me tender." - pirate describing his fondness of breaded chicken
I'm in Wisconsin for two more days which should be just long enough to lose enthusiasm for existence.
I think it's time for me to pick something to care about.
Wrote a screenplay called "Primal Justice" about a high dollar lawyer gorilla torn between his code of ethics & his lust for power/bananas.
Bacon. The word alone deserves its own status.
in the dictionary everything starts with e.
Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time on FB, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never seen a Twilight movie.......
says If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
patiently waiting for the day when I need to set the alarm on my clock to wake up in the morning.
Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers. 