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Does your a** ever get jealous of the big amount of sh*t that comes out of your mouth?? 
anyone gonna tell Americas Funniest Videos that theres youtube?
Just finished a great workout.... curls, lunges, and crunches. Does it matter that it was 12 oz curls, lunging toward a bag of reese's cups, and crunching into cookies?
You know your getting old, when you start changing your grammer in texts..you know "goin' - going, neva-never, ax-ask.
Begining to question my plans to go boating with Robert Wagner this weekend.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear. I can.
I hate waking up in the middle of a great dream and finding it didn't get picked up for another season.
Polygamy is a lot like Monopoly. You can get screwed but you have to wait until it's your turn.
Do NOT take your kids to the dog and pony show in Amsterdam.
Look, it's time they give Scooby Doo a leash to deal with the "Where are you?" questions all the damn time.
Don't depend on other people for your happiness. Depend on alcohol instead.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I'm sitting through that bullshi@t sober.
I get one pimple & here I am watching Proactive infomercials & thinking it's a good idea to order. BUT WAIT, there's more!!
I used Suave shampoo this morning and I just tripped over a curb. How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?
I thought you said Eric gave you the creeps? I like tacos
It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk.
'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'
Lazy Rule #8: Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again...;;)
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport. 