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Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers. 
As Ole Fred Sanford would say, "You big dummy".
If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
changing seats on a bus may change your view... but not your destination
Can't believe that Facebook won't let me set my relationship status to “in a relationship with myself”.
Pretending you're the host of a cooking show, when you're home alone cooking.
If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.
My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.
Oh lord, give me patience and inner peace because if you give me strength, I might just punch somebody in the face.
No matter what mistakes I make in my life at least I won't be as pathetic as the guy who got eaten by a t-rex on the toilet in Jurassic Park
I can keep a secret, its all the people I tell who cant.
I should be sitting in prison right now on charges of arson. Luckily for me, the judge died last night in a 'mysterious' house fire.
Ugly women with bad attitudes get on my damn nerves.
Worst Passwords of 2011 : "kimswedding" ... Too short & not strong enough.
Get rid of people that withdraw from your life and never deposit!
I was dropped when I was little, into a pool of sexy.
Like an abounded school I have no principals
Wonder if we are getting annoying with all the breaking dawn craziness. Don't complain Guys! You all were annoying talking bout MW3
No matter what you do in life, Dont EVER! let the Kirby Vacuum Salesman into your house!!!
Nobody likes the guy who stands in the corner of the elevator, hoarding the buttons. Then he asks; what floor? And he smiles, like he's doing you a favor. I WANNA HIT THE BUTTON. 