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"Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" "So is a grenade" 
There are four stages of life; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
feel like I should smoke a cigarette after what it took to get the Canberry sauce out of the can.
Lazy rule number 43: can't reach it, don't need it.
Maybe, even just for a day, we could change the 'poke' button on Facebook to 'punch in the face'.
My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she wont get far. I set up a claymore by the door.
What's on the board: 2•54/57(7+5/8)²•ab-c³ What teacher sees: 2+2=4 What you see: すきうせちし what you remember: ______.
PrisonPickupLines Did you fart? Because you just blew me away
What's the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet...
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It's going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance
I'm just wondering where you keeping the money you are going to pay me''
Arthur Carlson said As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly not Les Nessman
I'm pretty sure that lady from the Target ads is capable of killing anyone in her way.
Maybe thats why she didnt win American Idol
I'm thankful for the end of prohibition.
The Pumpkin pie ingredients pumpkin, spice, cinnamon, puree, sugar, Brown sugar actually sound a lot like the lineup at the strip club.
Some one really need to teach Facebook people the concept behind the saying, "If its not broken, don't fix it". The new NEWSFEED is just hideous. And now I cant filter sh!t that I hate.
Dear Friends & Foes: I hate it when you greet or holla at me on my funny and witty status update. Stop raining on my parade. That's what the inbox is for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Well everyone except you! (You know who you are). 