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We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise... saving a step in the sandwich making process. 
If we're in a car and I love the song on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I now hate you
I rode in an ambulance today....I can't believe they just leave those thing running in front of the ER like a valet service.
So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?
Omg I'm so hungry I could eat my ex wife's cooking while sitting at the table with my ex mother in law!
What do women and A 10 Pin bowling ball have in common .??
My dream pet would be a mermaid.
Santa is the original Voyager!
I Escaped from the island of Misfit people..
They say a picture is worth a thousand words... have they ever noticed that a middle finger is worth a million?
I programmed my GPS voice to AC/DC. Now every morning on my way to work it tells me I'm on the Hightway To He!!
If anyone happens to catch me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them back unblinking and still singing, until it is equally awkward for both of us.
You know what I hate?..when my key ring starts to fill itself up with unknown keys. Where do these extra keys come from?
I like turtles because they're so chill- They're just like: "Hey man, I want to swim, & maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time.
I escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys
I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.
Walking into your room and saying “Damn, I need to clean this…” then walking out.
Just loaned my friend $10,000 to get a face lift. Now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like.
It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..
I don't hate you, I just hope your next period starts in a shark tank. 