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Breaking: Michelle Bachmann calls for immediate release of US Predator drone pilots downed by Iran...... 
MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.
Me: so doc, if I get this lung surgery, will I be able to do a backflip? Doc: yes, of course. Me: awesome, cuz I could never do that before.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.
Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.
Herman Cain's career & marriage are a mess & the media mocks him constantly. Only 10 months ago, this was called #Winning.
I am on a rowing machine. It's like being on a boat only with less screaming.
My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.
Singing passionately in the shower, pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower, not so much.
Gas prices = robbery without a gun!
Just another day in paradise, minus the paradise...
No, Occifer - I don't know how fast I was going (hiccup), but you caught me so obviously I was not going fast enough!
If you're happy and you know it...I'll have whatever it is you're drinking! :P
"I LIKE BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in the huge outdoor ashtray at my work.
Thanks jerry springer for making my life seem normal...
This morning I put my phone into airplane mode, and as soon as I did, Kareem Abjul Jabbar knocked on my door dressed in a pilot's uniform.
FINALS: May cause sleep deprivation, loss of friends and fun, neglect of family, excessive crying and hair loss and burning eyes. Is the semester over yet???
Be good to yourself because the longest relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself.
Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago
Tiger Woods best finish in the last 2 years was a 69...go figure! 