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says Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'( 
FML #18402392Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip.
That 2010 UK study claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist but it merely proved a bunch of British scientists couldn't find it.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
treasure your kids when they are young - during the teenage years, you'll wish you had eaten them at birth-
Geriatric Mythbusters: Nice little old ladies are not necessarily nice. Or little.
I picked up one of those counterfeit money detector pens. You should see the expression on the clerks face when I use it to check all change they give me from my twenty that they checked with their detector pen.
There are very, very few things it's ok to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins", is not one of them....
When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people....
Sometimes just for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction....
I went back to see my doctor today. I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.” “Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked. I said, “On the bus.”
Using your phone very strategically when it hits "Low Battery."
They should rename Bass Pro Shop to, Fat, bald white man store, thats all you ever see when you walk in
My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.
I always release a new version of myself on Tuesdays.
Today I will be happier than a bird with a French Fry...
My last relationship was a lot like high school spanish. It was 2 years of irritating gibberish & I left having learned almost nothing.
Being strangers, then friends, then more than friends, then strangers again.
It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
I was watching Rudolf the other day and I have to call shenanigans, half way through it I realized reindeer can't talk!! Fooled again! 