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I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you? 
You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.
Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.
Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.
Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone
I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.
I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
If it weren't for the fact that my bed is so far away from my computer, some days I wouldn't exercise at all.
Shout out to the illegal aliens that are down to earth
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.
How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?
Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.
I spend way too much time figuring out how I'm gonna get drunk.
Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.
Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?
I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!
My Holiday Lights Tour starts in 10 mins. Free booze and spraypaint. No cops! Seriously, if you're a cop you have to say so.
Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"
The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range 