Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I smashed my finger today, "just glad it wasn't my "Have a nice day" finger

   about to go eat me some vegetables ... which according to Congress is now a pizza

   Coming soon: Turkey!

   Sometimes I wish I really was the last man on Earth, just to see if all those women really were serious...

   Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.

   children are God's way of punishing us for having sex.

   Ever notice the fine print on car commercials? In big print it's "Starting at $18,995", and in fine print "As shown, $420,000"

   Chinese hackers are breaking into fortune cookie printers and changing the lucky numbers to unlucky ones

   I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

   Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

   I am probably going to start my Christmas shopping this weekend. I am not sure which place is better, the Dollar Store, or the 99 Cent store.

   What is air is actually poisonous and it just takes 80 years to kills us.

   Has sex like a Ninja! I'm so quick you never knew I was there!!!

   not every pony grows up to be a Pegasus

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.

   If you watch Black Swan backwards, it's about a dancer who cures her insanity by sleeping with Mila Kunis.

   read a status today which read "OMG I might miss my flight which is due in an hour!" As long as your priorities are straight mate...and you could waste yet more time just to let us know that on facebook! Thanks I can die happy I guess..

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..

   Girls want a fairy tale relationship, guys want a happy ending. ;)