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Just loaned my friend $10,000 to get a face lift. Now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like. 
It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..
I don't hate you, I just hope your next period starts in a shark tank.
does PayPal call anyone else 40 times a day from a 208-515-7481? Them people need to get a life! LOL, I'm not paying you!!
Turns out a crash diet doesn't mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
I Could never live in the country..unless theres a 7-11 real close.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I'll always be here for you...Unless there's an angry mob after you. Then I've never seen you before in my life.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. None leave with me. The end.
Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.
If you start off a status update with "Note to self" its obviously not.
“I love Eminem” “The candy?” “No, the rapper” “What's so cool about M&M wrappers?”
LIKE IF you sign on to Facebook chat & have instantly signed off upon noticing someone online.
Nothing screams jealous insecure trust issues louder than a joint Facebook profile.
Personally, I'd like to see Gillette come out with an eight-ply roll of toilette paper.
I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.
When they gonna get I'm shi#t faced parking stalls at wall mart...especially for the holiday season..???
In 2012 if you want to stop seeing the same old things..stop doing the same old things.If you want change, you change first;) And don t do newyears resolutions! Have SOLUTIONS for last years problems cuz you will face them again.
It don't matter if I'm single, complicated, engaged, married or divorced. My friends always like my status!
I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.
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