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Sometimes just for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.... 
I went back to see my doctor today. I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.” “Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked. I said, “On the bus.”
Using your phone very strategically when it hits "Low Battery."
They should rename Bass Pro Shop to, Fat, bald white man store, thats all you ever see when you walk in
My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.
I always release a new version of myself on Tuesdays.
Today I will be happier than a bird with a French Fry...
My last relationship was a lot like high school spanish. It was 2 years of irritating gibberish & I left having learned almost nothing.
Being strangers, then friends, then more than friends, then strangers again.
It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
I was watching Rudolf the other day and I have to call shenanigans, half way through it I realized reindeer can't talk!! Fooled again!
I heard Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow...
Remember GENTLEMEN, you have to undo her bra to get a better look at her heart
I had this awful dream I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'. I took off into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep...
If it wasn't for Me, it would just be Aweso
Slut (Noun) - A woman with the morals of a man.
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
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