Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The guy who stands in the entrance of Walmart and says "Welcome to Walmart" must say it so many times, he probably wakes up at night yelling it.

   Letters start with A-B-C. Numbers start with 1-2-3. Music starts with Do-Re-Mi. And love starts with You-And-Me

   It's amazing the things you'll do while procrastinating; it's almost anti-procrastination. It's like "Well, I just re-read all 7 Harry Potter books, learned fluent German and mastered the ability of knife throwing... But I still didn't start that essay",

   Sir Dentist, my gums are bleeding because you're trying to saw them in half with a piece of floss, not because I don't take care of them

   Doctor: "I have some bad news and some good news." Patient: "Give me the good news first." Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you."

   Don't you wish you could just google anything? Like "where's the remote?" google:"under the couch",

   You know those nights when you just can't fall asleep? Maybe it's because you're awake in someone else's dream.

   "You're tall. Do you play basketball?" "You're short. Do you run under tables and kick people's shins?"

   When you have a bad injury, and someone asks you if it hurt, saying "No it didn't hurt. It felt amazing; like two rainbows having sex" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

   Some people are born mature, and some need it thrust upon them. Tehehe... thrust.

   Belle: "My husband is a beast." Cinderella: "Mine still drives a pumpkin." Snow White: "My husband leaves me home with 7 little ones." Mermaid: "Mine wants me to use fishnet stockings." Sleeping Beauty: "I just pretend i'm asleep." Disney's Desperate Hous

   When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Did not forward an email to ten friends,"

   When it's the only thing standing between you and your comfortable bed, brushing your teeth seems like a huge hassle.

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast.

   Drive slow and enjoy the scenery . Drive fast and join the scenery.

   Wednesday a blood relative of Monday!

   "i know one thing, and that's if you don't ask for something, you can't just expect for it to happen."

   It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet.

   Alec Baldwin wouldn't have been booted from the plane today if he played the part of the pilot

   When animal over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we step in and cull them, supposedly for their own good. But when human beings over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we look around for another planet to colonise.