Funny Status Messages

   Left and right wing extremists hate moderates with a passion. It's beyond their limited comprehension to grasp the plausibility in seeing a little truth in both sides.

   interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person

   6 year old: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that? 6 year old: Chick-fil-A

   My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.

   Coronavirus Deaths: 216,000 Medical Malpractice Deaths: 400,000 You're safer getting Covid than going to the doctor.

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

   Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

   A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

   A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

   Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   I'd have to say for the first time in 40 years I don't wish I was Eddie Van Halen.

   I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

   DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

   GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.

   I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

   Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza.