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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.
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12-15-2011 09:24 by
SuthernFukr
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If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."
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12-15-2011 09:24 by
SEAN
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When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.
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12-15-2011 09:23 by
SEAN
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Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake
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12-15-2011 09:22 by
SEAN
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Just got back from my high school Football coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".
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12-15-2011 09:18
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The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
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12-15-2011 09:15 by
SEAN
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Status update: Still Lower middle class hoping to become Lower upper class but wishing I was Upper upper class.
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12-15-2011 08:11
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Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work. with bonus
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12-15-2011 06:39
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How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
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12-15-2011 04:35 by
g0re
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That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.
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12-15-2011 04:30 by
g0re
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If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.
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12-15-2011 04:11
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Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!
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12-15-2011 03:59 by
Czovczov
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At the end of job interviews I always ask, "On a scale of 8-10, how amazing was I?"
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12-15-2011 03:57
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The world's oldest profession? Unemployment.
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12-15-2011 03:50
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I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.
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12-15-2011 03:45
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How do I politely tell a new guy at work that “I do the jokes around here”?
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12-15-2011 03:42
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Google "do a barrel roll" (look at the screen while typing)
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12-15-2011 03:41 by
junior
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If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're a$$ is going to jail.
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12-15-2011 03:39
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=+(:) <--- stewie griffin
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12-15-2011 03:38 by
Fat Alec
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In 1911, Dracula fed himself 16 year old virgin girls' blood. He died of hunger in 2011.
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12-15-2011 03:35
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