Funny Status Messages

   I improved upon the pizza cutter joke: I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead. It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

   Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   I'm hard at work writing song lyrics which center around my offering a ride to those asking to be taken to Funkytown.

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Me to my Doctor: Hey, Doc. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Doctor: Do you remember to take the spoon out of the cup?

   Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box

   Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

   I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.

   HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!

   The greater the threat the better the weapon

   If you don't need a mask because God will protect you, why do you need a gun?

   Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?

   Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?

   Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.