Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.

   Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

   It turns out as you get older you don’t actually figure anything out, you just don’t have the energy to care anymore.

   Whoever is controlling me at this game sucks ...

   Today's tip: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to social media?

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with all the eyes cut out.

   Cheer up! Someone somewhere is thinking about me naked.

   Rectal Grease complained to HR and now we’re not allowed to use nicknames at work anymore.

   Why do we change positions when it’s the same hole? I don’t understand golf at all.

   I've ordered and returned the same boomerang on Amazon for over a year now.

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.

   I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make". When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." Then I realised, I was playing the bee side.

   The Lone Ranger was camping with his sidekick when a windstorm blew their tent away. The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, I have a feeling we’re not in canvas anymore.

   Buggs Bunny and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Buggs asks Elmer, “Is this whiskey?” Elmer replies, “Not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!”

   I bought a vintage Cadillac and developed a nasty cough. It was a Croup de Ville

   What train system connects Oyster Bay to Mussel Beach? Clamtrak.

   I think I'm the only person left that doesn’t vape or own a pair of crocs..

   Damn, I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.