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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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F a New Years Resolution, I want another year to goof off.
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01-04-2012 08:24
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If you can't afford a Doctor, go to an airport- you'll get a free xray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda , you'll get a free colonoscopy.
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01-04-2012 08:15
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Note to self for when I'm ready to take over the world: Kiwi and corn in the same day turns a cute baby into a deadly environmental disaster.
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01-04-2012 08:12
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National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...
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01-04-2012 05:31 by
Doc Noland
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Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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01-04-2012 05:31
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When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.
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01-04-2012 05:07 by
flinnie
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My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.
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01-04-2012 05:06 by
hihuggiehi
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When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.
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01-04-2012 05:05 by
hihuggiehi
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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
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01-04-2012 05:05 by
hihuggiehi
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I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."
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01-04-2012 05:05 by
flinnie
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Nobody knows the person you no longer want to be like your family.
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01-04-2012 05:04 by
flinnie
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just took crocs off a man sleeping in the airport & threw them in the trash because it was the right thing to do
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01-04-2012 05:04 by
hihuggiehi
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Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.
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01-04-2012 05:03 by
hihuggiehi
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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
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01-04-2012 05:03 by
hihuggiehi
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How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?
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01-04-2012 02:17
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I can't participate in tickle fights because I get inappropriate b0ners
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01-04-2012 01:21 by
Doc Noland
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I'm never going to marry a woman unless I'd be proud to have a daughter exactly like her.
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01-04-2012 00:52
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Have you ever seen a girl so ugly you kept expecting "In The Arms Of The Angels" to start playing?
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01-03-2012 23:46
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Ladies stop wearing them pajama pants and them dirty Uggs!!
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01-03-2012 22:26 by
L
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Got up to watch the sunrise this morning. Orange. Real original nature, thanks for wasting my time.
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01-03-2012 21:54 by
Aaron
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