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Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single. 
The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser
Lil Wayne = 5% black. 95% tattoos.!!
"Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...
If I was stranded on a desert island & could only bring 1 thing, I would bring Dora. That b!tch has everything in her backpack
The government closed Megaupload and Piratebay.org might be next.. But life goes on.. We will always find a way.. Mark my words.
I would love to see Flo @ Progressive hook up with Mayhem @ Allstate. Their kids would be bright, shiny, bundles of conniving, deceptive, destructive energy!
Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking “I'M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he's under a blanket”!!
why do you keep talking to me? what part of "I don't care" do you not understand?!
My voice is so gay an awkward sounding.. I make it deeper at work on the phone or over the PA system to sound like "one of the guys"
I love "words with friends" so much I wish they would make it a board game.
-Grandpa, how the World War III started?- Well kid, one day the FBI closed MegaUpload and MegaVideo, then...
In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.
The other day I seen this written over a public urinal; "Don't be looking on the wall for something funny because the joke's in your hands!"
This just in!! The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy......More details to come as the story develops
In the Costa Concordia movie, the main character should be an Italian cruise ship crash investigator who was planning to retire this week.
Today sucks but I really shouldn't complain. I've got it good compared to...well, dead people.
It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.
Just read "The Three Musketeers," and it's true, the book is always better than the candy
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