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Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries. 
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.
Say what you want about Buffalo Bill but that guy had phenomenal sewing skills.
Do I still get to be one of those uppity "I don't watch TV" people if it's just because I sold mine for methadone?
Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed.
The Chinese New Year starts today. It's the Year of the Dragon....but it's gonna take me a while to stop writing COCK on my checks.
Welcome to Facebook, the official home of VANITY.
SWAG=Secret Way Of Acting Gay.
Tweeted ten different puns hoping atleast one would get a Retweet. Alas, no pun in ten did
Face down A55 up, thats the way I select donuts at Dunkin Donuts
I was cleaning up a bit last night and I thought my cat somehow got into the washing machine during the spin cycle! Then I realized it was just Steven Tyler yelling at somebody on TV. Whew!
Only people in long distance or stalking relationships should be allowed to use the "IT'S COMPLICATED" option on their relationship status.
To the Indian Cricket Team- Guys, please remember it's the FOURTH test tomorrow & not a FOUR-day test!
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?
i wish my grades smoked weed, so they would get higher
If you watch 127 hours in rewind it is actually a really nice film about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.
Banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies.
"Who's your wife?(:" "That b!tch over there....."
People who have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold. *slow clap*
That f^cked up moment when your Ex girlfriend tags you in a photo of her licking her new boyfriend's abs.
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