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figured out the answer to the question, "Why does my dog like to put his head out the car window and he doesn't like when I blow in his face?" Answer: Halitosis! 
The girl said we were not spending enough time together, so we went to a movie,, she dragged me to Twilight,,, breakup T- minus one hour twenty three minutes!!
When life gives you lemons make lemonade....Then find someone who's life is giving them vodka then have a party.
Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.
Instead of Valentine's Day we should change it to Forever Alone Day
I hate it when they call you from someone else's phone And you answered it
Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage...
Hate when I'm Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.
Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. imagine how good it would be with 10 drinks especially with V day approaching..
My superpower is turning tequila into tears.
RELATIONSHIP TIP: You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Becoming happy with who you are and acknowledging your flaws.
Question Of The Day- Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food?
Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I say, a case a day is good for the memory, it helps you forget all the as$holes around you!
Gisele Bundchen just yelled at a meatball for falling off Tom Brady's fork.
I got some tarter control toothpaste. I still got tarter but that sh*t is under control.
I have over 200 cds.. This iPod better be ready for this nonsense I call music!
Dont make the scars of your past hurt the people in your present
Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M&M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?! 