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Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. 
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.
I always feel sad when I white van drives right past me... It makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy
One man's "Ewwwww" is another man's "I'd hit that".
Afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
I saw a sign today that made me P!$$ my pants! It said "Bathroom closed."
You Know You High if you use the flashlight on your phone, to try and find your phone.
Planet Saturn = 7 rings Michael Jordan = 6 rings Kobe Bryant = 5 rings LeBron James = 1 really nice headband
I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.
Remember to always stay away from houses when there's a full moon. They turn into warehouses...
Nerd Wedding: Instead of saying "I do" They say "I accept the terms & conditions"
I wonder if aliens ask each other, do you believe in humans?
Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.
you know your scared when you lose track of a spider and become a victim in your own home...
Want to learn how to beatbox? Just say "boots and cats" over and over again. MIND = BLOWN
Alien 1: "Did the humans receive our message?" Aliens 2 : "Yes, but they named it Dubstep and now they dance to it."
Don't you hate it when a spider bites you, and you get zero superpowers.
I'm homy... Read that again more closely you pervert!
I think I'd rather hear gunshots coming from my parents bedroom than hear one more second of Chris Brown tonight.
Paul McCartney looks like my uncle Fred after a 12 pack. 