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If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I'd quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes 
The only "B" word you should call a girl is beautiful. B!tches love being called beautiful.
I don't always feel like I'm at the top of the gene pool, but when I do, I'm at Walmart.
I wish all gingers would just dye.
Amputees may take risks, but they never go out on a limb.
I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch
Really tired of homeless people tweeting photos of the garbage they're about to eat.
The most impressive thing about Beyonce and Jay-Z as parents, is how dedicated they are to giving Blue Ivy® a normal life.
so its valentines day.. does that mean I am suppose to have a heart on?
Just seen on CNN that Godzilla throwed up all over the philippines
Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.
It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke
I still can't believe that Whitney Houston died. Where were you on that one, Kevin Costner?
my phone battery dies faster than a slut in a horror movie
I need some attention today. Can't decide if I should go with the, "why does this always happen to me" status, or a line from an Adele song.
with the mood I'm in, if I tell you "Have a good nights sleep and I hope it's a long one"...you'll know what I mean by it!
What's 6 inches and won't get sucked this Valentines Day? Whitney's crack pipe.
"Macho Man" Randy Savage died at 58. Whitney Houston at 48. Corey Haim at 38. Heath Ledger at 28. How old is Justin Bieber again?
at starbucks in my 'forever lazy' , starting to feel a little self conscious, people in line keep peeking in my ass flap, next time I'm wearing underwear
all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf 