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tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke). 
do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
wanna hear a joke? valentines day.
just reading this article on body language, and I was really surprised at how much you can tell about a person just by there hands. For example, if you're trying to talk to someone, and their hands are around your neck, then they probably slightly upset
If you were to start a summer camp for kids with ADHD, is it politically incorrect to call it a concentration camp?
Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.
It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.
I feel bad for people that dont drink, because when you wake up in the morning thats the best your going to feel all day.
Ahhhh My Facebook wall filled with pics of new lap tops, cellphones, cameras and countless trips to the tattoo parlor. There is either a sale at Walmart or its Tax time in America!
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
going to the stripclub and not getting a lapdance is like going to disneyland and not getting the mickey mouse ears
That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.
Girl's idea of Valentine's Day. (っ˘з(˘.˘ )♥ Guy's idea of Valentine's Day ( • )( •ԅ(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)
the only kind of job available these days is a hand job
Skinny women run the world because fat women don't run.
Instead of candy for your valentine why not liquor instead. ~Sign outside of a liquor store
Roses are red, Grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my weiner!
New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
In order to raise my performance at work I've decided to lower the companies standards.
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