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Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball. 
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail
had a run in with a pit bull, once they get a hold they jus wont let go until you're just a quivering and screaming like a girl.....the dog was fine, it was the owner who ripped me to shreds defending the breed.
The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.
I may be Schizophrenic.......but at least I have each other.
You're a true 90's kid if you've ever heard someone say "Get off the phone, I have to use the Internet."
INTERNET: Can't get your homework done with it, can't get your homework done without it.
It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.
for fun text the last person you slept with and say "im pregnant, dont worry I'll contact Maury for us"
going to the bar horny is like going grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you always come home with more than you needed
Young guys with beards are always secretly sad when you talk to them & don't compliment their beard.
whenever your bored send this text to a random number.. "I hid the body."
Surround yourself only by people who are going to lift you higher!
When I see insane people on the street talking to themselves I want to tell them about Twitter.
i'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings
Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”
i alone am responsible for global warming...i bought a snow mobile this summer, it will never snow again
wtf? the side effects of my script includes all my symptoms, how am I gonna know if its working?
I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.
brains are like modems....some people can think fast like they are high speed internet....some ppl are slow thinkers like they are dial-up....other ppl have lost connection 