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straddling the bowling ball return, pretending I'm laying eggs 
by the way, in the summer, any car with an open window is considered an appropriate recepticle for your dogs bag o poo.
I can't decide if the new guy is a really nice helpful kind guy or if he's a creepy serial killer type.It's such a fine line sometimes
I like to people watch. Mainly when they're in the shower
just stuck pink sparkly streamers in the handgrips of a custom skull painted harley in the parkin lot, now I jus waitin for the ogre..i mean, owner to find em
tricked my ride with pinwheels on my antenna, if only my moms didnnt make me put that big ass orange flag on my bumper
just put clothespins and baseball cards on my spokes..my car is gonna be the coolest one in the hood
Grammar- the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit
When the guy in your office says he's going bowling on his own, you've got to ask yourself, 'have I got enough friends
Jobs of your boss: 5% to pay your wages. 95% to annoy the hell out of you
FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.
Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"
Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.
Valentine's Day was a lot of fun, but now what do I do with the body?
I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;)
1 day i'm gonna be telling my kids about payphones, no cell phones or internet & the video games aren't portable....& the kids will think it's a fairy tale
They say you can't make jokes about blind people, just watch me.
My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order
I just want to play cards with a priest so I can say... Forgive me father for I have ginned
Why use ADT when you can use an AK-47? 