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Couple driving home, they run over a Badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but cold. Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up", wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks", he says "Well hold the Badgers nose then!" 
a cheap little bb gun, sometimes it shoots to the right, sometimes it shoots to the left, and sometime it doesn't work at all. Kinda like a politician!
I never realised there is a career for statues in the movie industry until I watched Bella in Twilight.
Wanted: Dyslexics to work 5 to 9.
I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.
A real home improvement warehouse would have a marriage counselor.
It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.
Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech
Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!
i guess dione warwick and her psychic friends couldnt eveb predict whitneys death.
This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.
Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.
Negative Thoughts + Negative People = Negative Life
RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.
She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.
In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.
While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer
They say honesty is the best policy. I dunno who"they"are so until they come forward ima lie like hell... 