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"Mom...can I wear a mini skirt today?" "NO!" "Why not I'm 17?" "Justin I said no!" 
I've been to the dark side. They lied about the cookies.
I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"
Everyone deserves one free kill in life.
The only thing keeping me from driving off this bridge is the insurance rate increase if I survive
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well
when a kid says a cussword some parents & babysitters will wash their mouth out with soap....if you type a cussword does that mean you should wash ur hands?
What's the deal with people who hit you up on the chat, then take twenty minutes to type their responses? DELETE.
Doing my best to, as the kids say: "keep it real." Or some such thing
Hamburger Helper can only help the hamburger that wants help.
Can't wait to see "The Lorax"! Finally, a movie answers the age old question: What if Wilford Brimley was orange?
If I ever go on "Wheel of Fortune," I'm going to buy all the vowels, then give them to poor kids in Africa
Does anyone have a llama guy? I need a llama. I'll explain later
If you bite the inside of your mouth by accident, you should be allowed to fire a shotgun at an old bus till you feel better.
“Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the duck-billed platypus)
Roundabouts and retarded people are like round holes and square pegs, you can force them together, but it isn't going to be pretty.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Some people are like pennies. Two-Faced And Worthless.
This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within. 