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the earlier you start doing anything in your life, the less it affects you as you grow older... 
conficious says it takes many nails to build a crib but only 1 SCREW to fill it
disney has women looking for their handsome prince. dreamworks is more accurate with the ugly ogre
Too many kids don't know what it's like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).
"Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.
I can never plug in a usb correctly the first time, I have to flip it like 17 times before it finally goes in.
GOP budget to slash disease research? Now we'll NEVER find a cure for Bieber Fever!
I was in a bar the other night, moving from stool to stool trying to get lucky... but there wasn't gum under any of them."
Some DJ keeps calling my phone and leaving me mixed messages.
If I died and went to Hell, it would take me at least a week to figure out I wasn't at work anymore.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold. But they also say revenge is sweet. I think they are trying to say revenge is ice cream.
I don't wanna be presumptuous, but I think this Sandra Fluke chick just might be the love of my weekend. Now, if she'd only return my phone calls...
My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish... She liked to dress up as herself and act like a total bitch.
Did I already post my Alzheimer update?
The difference between a girls track team and a group of pygmy lawyers is.....The lawyers are cunning runts!
it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?
Every time Rush Limbaugh talks the more I'm convinced that he's the love child of Stay Puff marshmallow man, Jabba the Hut, and a cancerous tumor
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control
Real friends are very special, but you have to be careful because sometimes you have a friend and you think they are made of rock, then suddenly you realise they're only made of sand. 