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I don't mean to seem culturally insensitive but I'm not buying Chris Brown's story that he's one-eighth Slapaho Indian. 
Quick, how can you unmeet someone?
A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.
Doing the Chipotle cleanse.
I'm glad we can't smell each other through the internet.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.
The new Ipad gets all hot and bothered in your lap...Ladies- take notes:)
The only "B" word you should call a women is beautiful. B*tches love to be called beautiful
She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.
I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I'm sooo tired I spent all night reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen
Want people to not mess with you? Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle and walk down the street drinking it.
Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.
The new Def Leppard Rock Band game is such a rip off. It only came with one drum stick.
I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste
Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.
Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.
When a random stranger offers you drugs on the street say thank you because drugs are expensive 