Funny Status Messages

   I feel confidence they're going to be able to hammer out a stimulus deal by Christmas.....of 2021

   Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

   The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

   I date black girls because I don’t have to worry aboutt meeting their dads

   Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.

   Lexus commercial: husband surprises wife with a new car in the driveway. I surprise both of them by shooting it with a paintball gun

   *swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   I switched all the labels on the Spice rack..... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

   You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

   Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

   If you're offended by someone else's tweet, they aren't insensitive, you're just a p*ssy.

   When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often

   Queen's Gambit: The only thing more boring than chess, is a series about it.

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: I'll have two McRib sandwiches to go, please.

   I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

   anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

   A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

   why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

   Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.