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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight. 
It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
COME ON STIMULUS I GOT THE BODYWASH UPSIDE DOWN WIT A LIL WATER IN IT. 🤣
Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"
My New Year's Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me- no one likes a quitter.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!
Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me
My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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