Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was SO excited at work when they told me I was chosen for a random drug test! Turns out you shouldn't ask which ones you get to test.

   I might be having sex tonight. Is there a drink called 5-minute ENERGY ™?

   I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.

   My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.

   My son just tried to claim that his room is not messy…that it is merely set up in obstacle-like manner to keep him fit.

   Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second.

   A few simple tips: 1. Don't promise when you're happy. 2. Don't reply when you're angry. 3. Don't decide when you're sad.

   I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.

   When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   Just caught a woman texting & driving. I hope she knows it's a very big distraction and if a cop saw her she would get charged a very big fine because it is illegal. Anyway, I guess I should pull over and get some gas, starting to run kind of low.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me getting up every morning!

   does my BEST proofreading right after I hit send!

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   Hey Customer Service - Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?

   I'm sick of everyone bringing kegs to the parties I throw. What part of Bring Your Own Bacon don't they understand?

   I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do

   Whenever I have a truck driver call me asking for directions I just start making sh*t up. I still wonder if that guy ever found Kaka Street.

   When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.

   Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.