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Uranus is a gas planet. 
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy...
Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities."
A Prius tried to race me from a stop sign the other day. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.
Texting + Facebook = Textbook.. so I'm studying right?
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" is a fancy way of saying "You look hot!"
Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another beer.
A recent government survey reports that people are more cynical these days than any time in history. Like I'm really supposed to believe that…
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My Court date is pending.
I opened up a bottle of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.
Facebook went public, because even they couldn't figure out the Privacy Settings.
I replied to your event invites with "maybe" because there wasn't a box for "I haven't seen you since high school, leave me alone."
Prison is peculiar. All the pros are cons.
Dont be afraid of change, its inevitable. Unless youre homeless. Then you might have to go around asking for it. By the way, I dont have any.
It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread.
You're only young once. If you act like an idiot after that, you're gonna need a new excuse.
We have so much in common. You want to travel, and I want you to go.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he planned on upgrading his computer to Windows 7. Arnold's response: "I still love Vista, Baby."
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch. 