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Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere. 
Jons Memorial Day Advice. Don't forget! • Burgers • Beer • Sun screen • Toothpaste • Cheese • Hot dog buns • 9/11 • The Alamo • Dre
A childhood of Disney movies has left me sorely disappointed in the lack of spontaneous musical numbers in my life...
Religious people believe because it makes them feel better; but thankfully there's booze for that.
The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most magnificent discussion you can ever have.
HIM: “"Promise you'll love me forever." HER: “WTF?!? I don't even love you now.”
If anyone secretly videotaped me yesterday go to 5:22:16. It's me trying to put on jeans after a massage
Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
Build a barricade?! Crap, I thought you said build a bear arcade. Those bears are gonna be pissed when I tell them no more Cruis'n USA.
For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It's a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.
Has anyone ever noticed the & symbol looks like a man dragging his a$$ across the floor?
smoke free for 17,770 days now!!
Ahh, Memorial Day. A day when we all stop working, start drinking and burn food in honor of our military who, coincidently, have to work…
It's a tie...America 2...Towel He@ds 2
I say that anyone who messes with America, is gonna get a good dose of Red, White, Black and Blue!
If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.
I have a feeling that this Philip Philips guy is going to be huge if he can just figure out a way to get one more Philip into his name
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and actually, out popped a blanket. 