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*Facebook* How I look in photos I upload: s(•_•)z How I look in photos I'm tagged in: \(•~°)/ 
If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.
Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.
Just told a girl that she has two centipedes on her face but then I realized it was her drawn on eyebrows.
The Center for Disease Control released a statement this week that zombies do NOT exist...with the exception of Donatella Versace.
Her: “I'm overweight, my boobs sag, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning gray… Compliment me so I'll feel better.” Him: “There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!”
I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.
Mexican jokes & black jokes are all the same. Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.
Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.
LeBron left Cleveland so he didn't have to play by himself in order to win a ring. Looks like Miami is just Cleveland with better weather.
Magic Johnson just said Lebron is special. When a guy who beat AIDS calls you special, then you know!
"Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.
Sometimes. I don't understand women. Other times. They are sleeping.
The one thing that I'll never understand is women, tofu, yoga, and counting...
If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.
my heart is the dumbest organ in my body. but also it keeps me alive.
I can never tell a girl I like her so instead I climb up her window while she's sleeping and whisper how I feel while playing with her hair. Collapse
My friend Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.
WANTED... Illegal immigrant to act as a mud flap for a 1978 Ford Cortina. Must be flexible and willing to travel.
When one door closes… the dress falls off. 