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The best nights ever begin with the question "Are we going to get in trouble for this?" 
You're thin, entertaining, I love staying up all night with you and falling asleep by your side. I love you laptop.
If a Rabbit Foot is considered good luck, then a Camel Toe should be considered amazing luck!
It's Siri's time off the month again....she's acting mad and wont answer anything
Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama???? If it were invented anywhere else they would have named it the teethbrush....
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.
I suppose I'm a late bloomer. But the way it's going, I'm going to hook up in the nursing home. Somebody water me, PLEASE!
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
I distrust Camels and anyone else who can go 1 week without a drink.
classified ad in newfoundland newspaper: for sale one large living room window, only looked through twice.
Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important
I saw a squirrel eating a dead squirrel on the way home. So, the bath salt/zombie crisis has now reached the animal kingdom...
Yes, it's Sunday and the weekend is almost over, as time flies when your having fun...I suggest doing something really boring all day long to stretch it out until midnight!
My neighbours have seen me naked more than my future wife ever will.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.
Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.
Hey guy hitting on my girlfriend, how does imagination feel like?
I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.
When LeBron James gets a mosquito bite, he looks around for a ref. 