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Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting......... 
I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.
Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!
Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.
No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…
The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it
Thanks lady in line at the fast food counter ordering your sandwich with 10 special requests for reminding how awesome being a dude is…
I like a bit of badassness in a girl
Where is the sun today? Maybe I should put my batman suit on?
Be as smart as Wikipedia, but think like Google
I just finished reading "50 shades of Grey" by Sherwin Williams. I don't see what all the hype is about these paint broshures.
I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.
I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.
Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.
I don't know all the answers but I do know you'll probably feel better if you set something on fire.
If you say married people aren't having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
If you feel like the world is passing you by, you must be obeying the speed limit.
Why do they subtitle "Swamp People"?
Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops 