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Mike Tyson has beat every opponent he's ever faced but the letter S 
Lazy rule. As soon as I get under the blanket covers, all of today's responsibilities, become tomorrow's problem.
Silly phone, that wasn't a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.
My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.
Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.
A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."
If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.
My blonde girlfriend has such a useless sense of direction, I'm amazed she made it out of the birth canal.
If you don't have a job you can be homeless but if you do have a job you will be home less. Society, you just can't win.
I hate how my child always moan about how much I drink. I'm tired of having to remind him that if it weren't for the alcohol, he wouldn't even exist.
My girlfriend accused me of faking it in bed last night, and she was right. I wasn't asleep at all.
I was ready to "chow down" at Burger King tonight until I heard their derelict employees have been using the lettuce for a foot bath. :/
It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."
Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.
My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!
Life is like an ice-cream - enjoy it before it melts.
3rd migraine now in a week. I'm starting to think one of you has a voodoo doll of me somewhere. 