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I wish cake went straight to my Pen!s!! 
Please be patient… Beer isn't finished with me yet.
Misery loves company. But only if the company is good looking. And brings booze.
It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
I do not like being told what to do unless I'm naked!
A woman who is clear on her desires, takes and does not wait to be taken.
Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.
If my life was a movie, you would be here by now.
Obama this, Bush that... How about if you're still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?
A teenager's brain is 80% song lyrics.
James Holmes was able to legally buy 6000 rounds of ammo online, and Tommy Chong was put in jail for selling bongs.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but no one rubs your balls and says, "good job"?
"Final Destination 5"... well someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'Final'.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Therefore, I am a potato.
Boy, the "Chiller" channel has dropped the ball this afternoon. It's showing a movie titled "Midnight Movie" where a deranged killer stalks movie patrons.
BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today
My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.
Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave
Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i 