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Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!! 
Scientific Fact: The gravitational pull of cleavage on men's eyes is incredibly strong and cannot be fought.
Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.
I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me
I didn't post this status somebody else made it happen!!!
I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....
So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.
When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!
I'm going to make a plethora of bad decisions today to help cover up the plethora of bad decisions I made yesterday.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven't left yet...
Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.
Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.
It's that time of the night when I openly taunt my ceiling fan for not having the guts to fall and crush me in my sleep.
Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.
Dear Guys who chew gum like a cow eating grass; Thanks for making it so damn easy to look classy next to you. Sincerely, Me.
I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.
Chick-fil-a has been taking alot of heat for it's stance against Same Sex Marriage! To show they are progreesing with trhe times,they I'll be releasing a new food item today. The ''Chick on Chick'' Sandwich!
If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one?
Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status? 